Attempting Happiness
by x.imagine.x
Summary: "Jerry's comments about the lack of a card shook her. The truth was that Dex had not only taken the time to sign a card, but he'd taken the time to have Leo make one. This, if nothing else, convinced her that she needed to try this out." Traci's rationale behind leaving Jerry for Dex. Written a while back but recently found!


**A/N: I recently started going through all of my writing and found a whole ton of old Rookie Blue stuff that I hadn't ever posted. This was way back when I was trying to branch out a bit and not be completely all about Andy/Sam… Even though Jerry is no longer alive (still not over that!), I figured I'd post it anyways, considering it's already written! This goes back to Traci's decision to leave Jerry for Dex.**

**Disclaimer: Rookie Blue isn't mine**

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**Attempting Happiness**

Making everyone else happy was what Traci Nash did best. She sacrificed nights out in high school to babysit for neighbours; she volunteered to cook dinner so her mother could relax. Then, when she got pregnant, all thoughts she may have had about eventually fulfilling her own happiness flew out the window. Suddenly, she had someone else to take care of; she had a baby that was entirely dependent on her. She couldn't go to parties or flirt with guys. She couldn't go to college and think about how much fun she would have after graduation, because everything came to a screeching halt once those two pink lines appeared. Instead of going to sleep at two in the morning because she was partying, she slept whenever she could because the baby kept her up at night. Instead of looking exhausted because she was hung-over from a night of too much booze, she looked like crap because she had no time for herself anymore. The birth of her son left her even more secluded than before, but she didn't mind, because she loved him.

When Dex found out she was pregnant, he'd panicked. He left her, telling her he couldn't have a child in high school. She felt the same, but she always accepted responsibility for her actions, and so she powered through. When Dex came to talk to her –three months after Leo's birth- and told her that he was ready to be a father, she smiled and accepted his words. She ignored the nagging feeling that was telling her she was better off to send him away, because she wanted Leo to know his father.

Traci hadn't grown up completely fatherless, but she'd matured without a father figure in her life. Her father left as soon as her mother told him she would support their daughter in whatever she decided. He was pushing her to get an abortion, but Traci stood firm in her desire to keep the baby. It was the first time she'd really gone against what would make everyone happier, and she was glad she did it.

Now, however, everything had changed again. After years of looking out for everyone else before herself, Traci was finally in control of her life again. She signed up for the Police Academy, something she'd wanted to do since high school, though she'd never admitted it. Before Leo, she planned on going to university to do something 'productive' with her life, as her father put it. He told her that he didn't work twelve hour days so that she could be some underpaid public servant like him. He wasn't a cop by any means, but he equated the profession with his category of work. She figured it would be better in the long run to listen to him. It would make everyone happier, and who knew? Maybe he was right. She was only a teenager, and what did teenagers know about their lives?

The next thing she knew, she was flirting with one of her very hot instructors, Detective Barber. It felt nice to be appreciated by a man again. A single woman pushing a stroller down the street didn't draw too much attention. Traci found that she liked the way Jerry looked at her, and missed the feeling. And so, instead of doing the responsible thing and shooting him down, she indulged herself and returned his advances. Soon, they weren't exactly flirting anymore, and she couldn't have been happier. She didn't tell him about Leo, afraid he would turn tail and run the second he found out about her son, like so many others before him had.

Traci lived this way for a long time, always afraid that one day her bubble would burst and she'd wind up alone again. She juggled work, her new social life, Jerry, Dex, and Leo, all without skipping a beat. She was amazed at the ease with which she was dealing with her new life, and wondered why she couldn't have done this a long time ago. Even after Jerry discovered Leo's existence, things kept gliding along as though no interruption had been made. After all these years, Traci had forgotten what it felt like to be happy.

However, her perfect life started hitting some speed bumps.

It was the little things at first, like how Dex would call randomly, telling her that he needed her to take Leo back, interrupting any plans she might have made. She knew these kinds of things happened when she had a child in shared custody, but it didn't exactly do her any favours.

Next, it was the conflicts Leo was presenting with her job. She worked unpredictable hours, and that meant she wasn't always there. She was afraid of becoming an absentee mother, someone whom Leo saw only for five minutes at night and five minutes in the morning.

Then came the fight with Jerry. Everything had been going so well until that one night. Leo had been uncharacteristically energetic that night, and Traci had a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with the new surroundings. She knew it would be difficult on her son to grow accustomed to a new man in their lives, but Jerry made her happy, and she wanted to be happy. Next thing she knew, Jerry hurled accusations filled with resentment in her direction. Did he regret leaving his wife for her? For this? Did he think he'd made a mistake, leaving the woman he'd vowed to spend forever with, in order to play an imperfect game of house with a single mother and her six year old son?

Maybe he did. Maybe it was better for all of them if she put the brakes on now and didn't look back. It would probably result in everyone being happier in the end, when they wouldn't have to consider the possibility of this happening further down the road when everyone was more entangled.

But it didn't work that way, because Jerry showed up on her doorstep with a bouquet of lilies and several thousand apologies, and she let him in because she wanted him there. She didn't contemplate the possibilities for hours on end; instead, she trusted her gut and opened her heart to him once again, operating on the logic that her being happy would make Leo happy. Besides, her boy liked Jerry, and it wasn't too often that she could find a man like that.

And just when things were getting back on track, Dex decided to do the same thing with his life. He called first, telling her that he wanted to take Leo away for a couple of days. Even though she didn't want to, she agreed, convincing herself that it was best for them to have some bonding time. Dex hadn't unceremoniously dumped Leo on her in weeks, and the shaky trust they'd built was enough for her to say yes. Things started looking up from there, and she found herself remembering why she'd fallen for the man in the first place. Of course, all his charms and qualities couldn't make up for the last six years, and she knew she couldn't love him anymore. Maybe she hadn't really loved him at all. But still, when he brought her the flowers with Leo's card… She felt herself melting a little. It was thoughtful, and it said something that he remembered the lilies. Regardless, the flowers ended up in the trash and the card in her pocket, only because she couldn't bear to part with it. Dex was actually serious about the whole 'being a family' business he'd mentioned during one of their conversations. They'd been talking much more civilly as of late, and Traci wasn't complaining. It made everything easier, and Leo seemed more upbeat.

Jerry's comments about the lack of a card shook her. The truth was that Dex had not only taken the time to _sign_ a card, but he'd taken the time to have Leo _make_ one. This, if nothing else, convinced her that she needed to try this out. It was best for everyone involved. Well, except for Jerry, and most possibly herself. But it was like the desk transfer; it would make everyone happier in the long run, and she could get used to it. She couldn't deny her little boy the chance at having a real family.

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**A/N: So I loved Jerry and was majorly depressed when they decided to kill him off… But I feel like the writers structure each issue between the characters so that each one has a pretty good argument for their actions. This was just my little attempt at seeing Traci's motivations behind her leaving Jerry for Dex way back when.**


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